My bio only begins to sum up who I am and why I chose to begin this journey that I am setting forth on. As stated in my bio, I am just your average girl, but that is not who I want to be. I am more than that, we all are. We are all composed of stories and traits that make us who we are and sometimes we are not always proud of those things. I have never been proud of who I am, I have never accepted myself or where I came from and as a result, I let all of my bad traits define me. I never realized all of the harm that I was causing myself by doing this. In my mind, by doing extremes to try and get myself to a place I thought would make me happy was taking care of myself. Unsurprisingly, I never achieved that happiness by doing so.
- I would exercise like crazy and eat the bare minimum. I lost some weight but I felt weak and I still wasn’t happy with my appearance. Not to mention the second I started to eat normally again, I gained all the weight back.
- I would dry my skin out with harsh acne products and expose it to so much sun, trying to dry up all my acne. It irritated my skin more and left scarring.
- I would process my hair to the point of breakage because I thought being blonde would make me more beautiful and happy. It didn’t.
- I kept myself in an obsessive/toxic relationship because that was how I thought love should feel. I made it my world and without it I had no sense of happiness.
NONE of these things made me happy, if anything they made me feel worse. Mentally, I was draining myself by constantly doing such extremes to make myself feel “better”. I was unhealthy as can be. Not only physically but mentally and as time went on I began noticing its effects more and more. My anxiety and depression reached its absolute lowest when my relationship ended. I was no longer myself, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. I gave up on everything in my life. No longer did I care about how I looked, the relationships I had or my performance in school. I did not care for a single thing, especially not myself. I began going back and forth between not wanting to eat and binge eating. And as for hobbies went, I slept. It wasn’t until hitting what I consider to be my rock bottom, I saw that something was wrong and that this was NOT the person I wanted to be. So I put on a face mask and started planning.
The first step I took in actually bettering myself was re-prioritizing school. To be honest, school always came naturally easy to me so I always got by doing the bare minimum, but whenever I was at my lowest I wasn’t even doing that. So getting to a place of actually working hard was tough, I was 19 years old and I did not know how to study. I began working harder than I was when I wanted that perfect body! Jokes aside, I truly worked harder than I ever have for anything in my life before and sheeesh did that feel amazing. It was crazy to me, I never knew I could feel so proud of myself. To look at a test grade and know I did everything in my power to receive that A, there’s no feeling like it. Previously failed classes, I started receiving A’s in. Not only that but I discovered that I actually enjoyed school. It’s funny looking back at my first time taking Calculus (I), I could not receive a single passing grade (of course I have to take into account all of the other things going on in my life that were throwing me off, but I’m not exactly ready to share that much yet) and then my second attempt I received a 98% grade average. I kept up that momentum and the brag worthy grades that I have always wanted kept rolling in. Like I said before, not only did I start doing so well but I discovered that I LOVED these classes. But enough of my new found geeky-side, lets get back to the main point of this post.
Once I started getting into the whole school thing, I started to focus on my physical appearance again because it was something that I have always struggled with and at this time boy did I need a makeover. My weight was constantly changing and my skin was out of control from all of the stress I had been putting myself through for so long. I started by purchasing an inexpensive gym membership. This was the first membership that I had in which I was paying for myself. That reason alone was my motivation to get myself up early and to the gym in the mornings. I was not going to spend $20 a month to sit on my couch and do nothing… sure its not a lot of money but when you’re a broke college student, there’s no room for money to be wasted. So there we go, I started working out (not exactly sure of what I was doing but hey I got my ass there). Then the whole diet part came in, ohhhh how this still messes me up. I love food… so so much. This is the part that time after time seems to throw me off my fitness progress. Hopefully by maintaining this blog, it will help keep me on track. And as far as the workouts go, I’m getting better! I have a much better understanding of what I should be doing. Not only did I start taking care of my body but I started taking care of my skin. This is the heart and soul of my journey, the part that I love the most. Skin care has become a passion for me, I cannot express enough how much I enjoy this now being a part of my life. You will be reading A LOT about my favorite products and recommendations when it comes to cosmetics. I have battled with acne since 5th grade, it started very young for me and still continues to be an issue. Instead of constantly breaking down my skin trying to rid it of the acne I began a new approach and started focusing on obtaining and maintaining healthy skin and by doing just that my skin is so much happier with me. I still have acne but compared to what used to plague my face, it is beautiful in my eyes.
By doing all these things I still felt as if something was missing. I still wasn’t feeling like I was where I wanted to be but I could not figure it out. Around this time I started seeing my now current boyfriend. This relationship was difficult for me to get used to because it was nothing like my last one. There was no crazy “I need you” obsessions or endless missed calls because the other did not answer your text back fast enough. It was so free and there was so much trust. Since the only thing I knew before this was clingy and jealousy, I became very self conscious in the relationship. I did not trust that he really cared because if he did why wasn’t he talking to me 24/7, why did he not want my location at all times. Stupid thoughts like that drove me crazy and my anxiety sky rocketed. I started fights constantly over absolutely nothing because getting a reaction meant care in my mind. I was slowly tearing down this beautiful relationship I had, trying so desperately to ultimately recreate my previous relationship. Things got so bad between us because I was always upset about something. That’s when I began to realize that I was the cause of our now failing relationship. I was so blind to what I was doing but it became crystal clear, thankfully sooner than later. I am so lucky to have someone stand by my side and not give up. He helped me recognize the severity of my anxiety and depression that I have been carrying around for so many years. The missing piece of my journey was the spiritual one. The one where I create a healthy and positive mindset. The one where I don’t hide my feelings until they come flooding out over nothing. The part where I truly love myself and the beautiful mind that I have. The part where I achieve inner peace and acceptance for all that I am.
These are the things that I look forward to sharing with you in depth through this blog I have created. I want to take you with me on my journey to becoming a better me. I also want to thank anyone who took the time to read this post, that alone is enough motivation for me to keep on pushing and to share my story. My only hope is that we all can reach a place that we are proud of.